Which Dirtbag Zodiac Sign Are You?

By: Collin Hamman, Designer

The culture of the dirtbag is long respected in the outdoor industry. The term "dirtbag" originally referred to climbers who were so devoted to their sport they let social norms fall to the wayside... those pesky practices like day jobs, personal hygiene, and well-balanced meals. Since then, the dirtbag culture has evolved and grown: just as there are countless varieties of warm parking lot beers to consume on a tailgate, a myriad of flavors of dirtbag can now be found through a quick search of mountain town dive bars and roadside rest areas.

You fall somewhere in this menagerie of adventurous creatures... it's up to you to decide where.

Just as we all have a Zodiac sign, we also all have a Dirtbag sign.

Your Dirtbag sign determines your level of crustiness, propensity toward dumpster diving for day-old baked goods, and ability to ignore a variety of odors.

Read on to meet the twelve signs of the Dirtbag and answer the age old question: "What's your sign?" 

• You have caught fish on flies you tied using your own hair
• You estimate the value of goods in the amount of 12oz beers they are worth
• Bathing in a river before a formal event is standard fare
• The cheapest thing you own is your car
• You have multiple body piercings, 90% of which were self-induced by casting into the wind
• You can stand in the front of a drift boat all day but will fall off a barstool

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• You own a washboard you got off your grandmother’s wall and actually us it to wash clothes (and, when needed, for percussion in the bluegrass circle back at camp)
• You have built a discrete cookfire in the far corner of a Wal-Mart parking lot
• Your van is painted to look like bricks to better blend into “no overnight parking” lots
• You wave at other van-lifers like fellow motorcycle brothers
• You do all the sports and have enough rocket box space for the gear

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• You’re not ashamed to use the same brush for cleaning teeth and scrubbing holds
• You are master of the tailgate dinner table
• You have literally crashed on a friends crash pad for a weekend
• You can take naps hanging 30 feet in the air
• You take better care of your ropes and hardware than your actual body (applies to all walks of dirtbag)
• Cracking a beer with your fingernails is child’s play

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• You have described 20mph winds and blowing snow as “decent conditions”
• To you, an open car door = empty beer can avalanche
• You sport your headlamp like a necklace, sometimes for days on end
• You see the world in “walk-mode” or “ski-mode”
• The “best sleep of your life” was had in a snow cave in sub-zero temps
• You coined the phrase, “The most expensive gear I own that I hope i never have to use”
• Long ago, you denounced chairlifts (except on opening day, Memorial Day, closing day, Christmas Day, New Years Day, etc.)

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• You’re the poster child for Dr. Bronners
• You survive off of homemade kale - matcha - rutabaga - chard - arugula - ginger smoothies
• You know the difference between gardening overalls and formal overalls
• Your closet features a wide variety of straw hats
• You are in a healthy and loving relationship with their new wheelbarrow
• Friends request that you massage their kale for them because your hands are magical

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• You go from wearing camo to a tucked-in pearl snap in a matter of seconds
• “Grocery shopping” means checking your trap line then stopping off where you know mushrooms grow on the way back to the truck
• You have eaten roadkill by choice
• You are the proud owner of a bird, like a raven that brings the news of the day
• You live under a rock - partly to spite society, partly because it’s cool in the summer and warm in the winter
• Onlookers might mistake you for a stump covered in lichen
• You can build your own shelter with nothing but an axe and bailing wire but can’t successfully check your email on a library computer
• You wouldn’t be aware of the apocalypse for at least a month or more

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• You can fix anything with duct tape and tension straps
• You have spent more money on a Paco Pad than on all of the mattresses you’ve ever owned combined
• Repairing a mangled kayak and finishing out the day comes easily to you, but you don’t know how to replace a roll of toilet paper
• Your research shows beer tastes better out of a neoprene boot
• You own a paddle specifically to retrieve gear out of the back of a truck bed
• You may have technically drowned once but you’re not sure

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• There’s a thrift store punch card in your wallet
• You’re blissfully unaware that someone died in the jacket you upcycled from the landfill
• You once painted a mural on a dumpster in exchange for food that was just going to go into said dumpster anyway
• Bodily fluids are absolutely a creative medium in your opinion
• You spend more money on art supplies than food/water/shelter
• You haven’t paid rent with actual money for about 10 years 

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• There are more stickers on your water bottle than on the rocket box of your car
• You do own a car, but you’re not sure where it is at the moment
• You make your own freeze-dried meals and reuse old Mountain House bags to carry them around. 
• Your skills include fashioning an entire living room set out of nothing but rain jackets and trekking poles
• You measure distance in trail miles
• Your nicknames differ depending on which trail you are on
• Your Tinder bio says “you can pry my bear spray from my cold, dead hands”
• Socks for Christmas is your dream come true
• You twirl your bear spray around your finger like some trail-hardened outlaw

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• You’ve forgotten to clean the mud off your face before walking into a public establishment
• You measure everything in ounces
• As a side hustle you recycle kombucha bottles into bike fenders and trade them at the farmers market
• “Bonus Miles” actually exist in your mind
• Your bike costs more than your vehicle (if they even have one)
• You can pack enough gear on your bike to self-sustain for 3 weeks but still don’t know how to start a washing machine

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• You have sold jewelry you don’t remember making in exchange for concert tickets
• You own more hula-hoops than pairs of shoes 
• You’re not surprised to find glow-in-the-dark painted symbols all over your body a week later
• You once drunkenly fell into a campfire but successfully played it off as a firewalk performance
• Once upon a time you hopped a train to get to a concert like a 1920’s vagabond but with more glitter
• The only jobs you’ve had for the past 5 years were volunteering for festivals

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• You kick Monday off by deciding where to go on Friday at 5pm
• Your vehicle is basically a backpack on wheels and always has any gear needed for any adventure
• When 5pm rolls around, you are GONE
• You’ve proudly mastered the Outdoor Business Casual look 
• Friends can always be spot you by the combination of slacks and dirty sandals
• Desk Jockeys like you are discernible by the faraway look in their eyes. That’s the weekend you see.
• Your outlook on life: if you can’t decide on one passion, why not try them all? There’s room in the back of the Subaru
• To you, night and day tend to blend together - as adventure must be had after work hours

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Your fate was written in the stars, dirtbag. What signs show up in your crew?